Year in Review 2016
What is destiny and what is fate?
One is a choice, one is thrust upon you.
One rests on hope, one sinks into despair.
Not all is in here, out there.
Part One: Tutu Ballerina, Forgiven
Oh, for so long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am left in silence
We exchanged stuff, bowed heads, and that was it. I was too heart stricken to say a word, she just gave me two things and then left. I just got in from eye clinic, so managed to be here in time to see her. I don’t know. My heart feels so heavy. I wasn’t going to answer the door. Too scared, I curled up into a ball by the door. Then I heard her say, “I know I saw someone inside” twice, so I opened it and tried not to cry. Especially since she said nothing to me. I couldn’t say a word, throat too lumped.
Just didn’t think that would come to pass, you know? Kept dreaming of her stopping by to do an exchange, silent, but still held on to hoping we could eventually smile at each other again. I should get food. I should do something besides stare blankly at this screen. It hurts too much. I should’ve closed my door with a smile or something, just one more reminder that I don’t hate her. One last memory. But I couldn’t say or do anything. She left a cylinder for me, along with my binder. I want to open it, but I don’t know if I can handle whatever’s in there. Heart hurts too much at the moment. Okay.
I’ve been so lost since you’ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
That pivotal moment when all goes dark, when all lights fade. She cried out in despair, her most trusted companion had nailed my tongue. I watched helplessly as the conversation flowed, that beautiful light losing hope of choosing any path opened to her. She cut communication, declaring no one could be trusted. “Just a little longer, just a little more time,” I begged to anyone in overlay who would hear my cries, “it’s in deepest darkness that this light can emerge as herself.” I waited, I debated, and I was told to warn. Duty, bound by ethics and the law. This light was fading fast, and we weren’t there past a virtual connection. We exposed the danger, the liar who deceived all except for Q4’s strongest mage. Yet it was too late. Her love for us was torn apart by pain, trauma, and righteous wrath as we desperately tried to keep her steady, keep her here.
Knowing all blame would be upon my shoulders once again, I made the call. Knowing I’d be cast into the wastelands again, I woke the nearest person to her. I wasted no time with explanations. I didn’t want her to die. I couldn’t stop her myself. She could no longer hear her Oniichan, her Senpai, her Chi-chan. I didn’t know what else to do. In the morning, the wastelands beckoned to me. Demanded me. A time of purging would come for her, and I could do no more now. Even if I fought to cross the iron gates, my friends would suffer with me. There was no defense I could make that would be considered. Her broken voice bid me farewell, “It’s okay. I know why you did it …. Sayonara, Kariel-chan.”
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
Since the day he lost their favour, he was thrust into my shadow. I became the new hope where he failed in their eyes. I hated this. I went into my birdcage willingly, grateful for what affection he could give me. Watched as he forgot me, seeking love elsewhere. Raged at the woman who ensnared him in the name of maternal love, raged at the man who refused to remember a boy with his own hopes and dreams. Raged at everyone else walking all over him like a doormat, jeering at him behind his back while plastering affection when he turned to look.
I went to the legal ceremony for his marriage. I couldn’t go to the wedding for many reasons, all based in my safety. My absence was explained as a sudden bout of illness, and the guilt thrust upon me was hard to bear. I may not be male to qualify as a pandit, but I am marked as a rajayogi from birth. I also carry the awful manglik curse. I was aware how things could play out if I attended. And who would carry the blame? Me. No matter what I did, someone would find something to object about me. The lesser of the many evils was to remain put, and do what I could on my end.
I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can’t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away
She told me from the start that it wouldn’t last. That I needed a knight to break me from my tower, and when the dust settled, she’d search for her next great adventure. Like a romantic fool, I saw no other option. I needed help, needed a human connection despite my closest people warning me this wouldn’t end well. And she? She needed purpose, a reason to keep going. Nothing could sate her appetite for power and meaning making. Moving from one thing to another, searching restlessly for that one person who could solve all her questions of existence.
Fire burns as long as it’s fuelled, and it will burn anything to stay alive. Consuming all in its path, even turning water into air for more consumption. Instead of soothing myself from experiences that would demand summoning emergency personnel, I focused on helping her get through these brushes of facing her inner violence. Kai had been urging me to break from her. I resisted.
Quadrifolium (Q4) was a self-contained overlay study group that shared a love for card games. Closed group, meaning that everyone’s consent would be required before releasing collective information to curious onlookers. She ignored all that, demanding that if I shared anything overlay, she had a right to know everything. I broke confidence because of an issue that threatened to overwhelm me, asked her for help with the enforced understanding that she had far more knowledge and power than I. When she passed judgment, again Asariel urged me. Except my Water Daddy demanded that I break up.
It was no longer a polite and gentle request. No one has the right to take away the overlay from anyone. One’s self-efficacy is no excuse for stripping anyone’s power.
Can you forgive me for trying again
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Time has passed you by
All that’s done’s forgiven.
- “Tutu Ballerina” [full] by AIKATSU☆STARS!
- “Forgiven” by Within Temptation | lyrics link