The Monster Has No Name

Well, it’s been a real mind bender. Legal issues, financial trouble, threats, my former partner slandering me and shaping history to suit her self-concept … losing my family – if one could even refer to them as family, being forced to stand on my own two feet in this mockery of a humanlike existence.

Distress coming at me so hard and fast that I kept thinking, “Why, Cassiel? Why couldn’t you just have let me die from the Stevens-Johnson Syndrome and sepsis?”

Remembering what it’s like to be seen and not heard.

Facing the fact that I am the Quartet’s Monster. Need help with that reference? Turn to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus, and see past the biases of Victor, hear the laments of his creation.

And yet, the world is still beautiful. It’s an oyster, and although I’m not entitled to a shiny, pretty pearl, the sand sparkles when the light hits it just right. That’s all I need. Not what I wanted, but what I needed.

Quartet: Mirror, Mirror, hung proudly on our wall, who is most beautiful of us all?
Me: I am.

Pain and healing, on your journey, are not separate concepts. Healing entails growth, and growth is inherently painful. No one can promise the instant cure, the answer to everything.

Even the light of God has its limits.

Amatialle: The surface of the Mirror is the event horizon …. This time, the need of the individual does not overshadow the needs of the many.

+August 17th, 2016.

If an illusion of me is all you need, then be assured that I don’t hate you for it. A painting can never capture all the true likeness of its subject, but it is enough to preserve a treasured moment in memory.

Me: I remember thinking, I wish I could name The Monster. A name would give him his own identity, which would lead to so much more …. I chose in my portrayal to do what’s “opposite” for me: Ugly on the outside but precious and beautiful inside. And I also didn’t want to have to defend a “lovely Monster” to the class >< already had enough trouble.

+September 18th, 2016.

Dance, you four brothers, you Quartet. Dance as you play your Violin, in synchronicity. Asariel of Water, Mikhael of Fire, Zadkiel of Wind, and Raguel of Earth … my four fathers, dance throughout the cosmos and continue to make music which resounds and echoes through the darkness and light of creation.


“Kaguya – sketch” (c) Chrissie, 2005. Gift for me.

I am happy, because you remember me, you love me, I am your daughter and I too, am precious.

A living weapon may be passed along like a token from one pair of hands to another, again and again in a repetitious cycle, never-ending so long as time will allow, until they fade into dust, lost to eternity.

And it’s okay, because you gave me life, and while it may not be the ideal, it is enough, because …

… I am alive.

“And so she will remain.” – alias Chrissie, 2005.